Talk About Sexting

We thought the message board and Facebook conversations submitted to us in our research for last month’s Sexting and Infidelity article were interesting enough to post as on their own.  Read through these quotes and leave your own thoughts in the comment section below then take our poll.

Tip B 35 in CT, single: Cheating If it involves pics or telling someone what you want to do with them, when you have a partner, is wrong. If you want to do it, you likely will, especially once the other person knows of your thoughts. Then it’s like the forbidden fruit they are determined to get.

Chris L 45, MD, single: Cheating if your partner doesn’t know about it. It’s a form of interactive fantasy play, and if you’re playing without your partner and without their consent, it’s betraying their trust. I know couples who would enjoy it and read the…See More

James B 41, CA, single, and yes. Unless, as Chris said, there is consent, it is a violation of trust and respect for the relationship.

Michelle S 41, CA, single: It’s cheating but not on same level as, say, sex outside the relationship . Like all things, if there is knowledge and consent from both parties it’s a totally different story.

Brett R: I was heavy into it and it was hard to stop after I entered into a relationship. I’m not into website porn or magazines. It’s the interaction that was the draw. I can see my mates point of view and see it as not giving your attention where it belongs. I will only seek any exchange with a girl if my girl wants to be involved too.

Elizabeth B 20, Michigan, single:  I’m not in a relationship but I would consider that cheating. Just because you didn’t actually do it you’re still showing you’re not committed. You might as well go out and do it if you’re sitting there talking to other people about it. If you’re sexting other people while in a relationship you probably will end up cheating at some point.

Tyler B: I have friend who was married for about 10 years. One day he ran into this girl we went to high school with, they exchanged numbers and continued to keep in touch. Turns out they were sexting, even though the girl was well aware that he was married. The wife found out and now he’s divorced. Sexting is cheating, and the reason for its existence is to create an actual sexual encounter. What other reason is there for sexting?

Nicole A 32, San Antonio TX, living together, 1.5 yrs: Definitely cheating. It is completely disrespectful to your partner.

Anne B 41, Queens NY, long distance relationship (LDR), 3 1/2 months: 100% Cheating. You don’t share intimacy with nobody but the person you are committed with. Sexting is an intimate moment.

Mark G 38, Fort Wayne, IN, single: I would consider it more flirting than cheating..

Julie M 48, Texas, 14 months: Yes, sexting is cheating. My fiancé and I both agree on this. It’s the same as saying it. I believe you can actually cheat with your body and also cheat with your mind and heart.

Chrystal C, 29, female from Tacoma, WA, single: If you are in a committed relationship, its cheating.

Kristen J, 45 and single: If you would not be doing it in front of your spouse/significant other or with their knowledge, then yes, I’d consider it cheating.

Hombre L.C.: It’s a type of cheating, but it sure isn’t the same as sleeping with another person.

Ruth D, 36, CA, LDR, 1 year and 4 months: CHEATING because if I can’t tell him about it or he can’t tell me, it’s wrong.

Sarah F: Yes. It’s “emotional” cheating. It’s a betrayal if you’re sharing things you should be sharing with your boyfriend with some other man.

Angela W, 41, living together, 4 years: I consider “sexting” cheating.

Sharla M: Umm most definitely not ok with me.. it is just not being genuine or loyal to your significant other unless your significant other is In the know and is ok with it. So I mean if you’ve discussed it and EVERYONE involved is in the know and EVERYONE is fine with it then ok. I want monogamy in thought and deed because in my last relationship (a horribly dysfunctional marriage of 15 years) my husband was taking me to swingers clubs every weekend and private parties and yacht parties and I’ve seen some things and experienced some things and I am soooooo thankful beyond words to be in a thoughtful respectful, genuine, and entirely monogamous relationship/engagement. I don’t think swinging works no matter how open and honest the lines of communication are. It’s insulting to think one is capable of separating all of those emotions and thoughts from the acts and I’ve learned that cheating is cheating and that’s it.

Jess F, 25, Richmond, VA in a relationship of 5 months: I would say it is cheating in a monogamous relationship for sure! I really had to think about this one. I haven’t really been one for “sexting”. I think it’s dumb. I am one hell of a flirt though and I don’t consider that cheating.

Melissa H: Jess F., you don’t care when your boyfriend flirts with other women? Just curious, I have a friend who says “I know who he is going home with.” When her bf flirts

Isabelle V; As I mentioned in another group, I don’t think sexting is cheating, but I don’t think it’s okay. It’s inappropriate behavior and it violates trust.

Melissa H, 34, Kentucky, single: I think sexting is cheating. It makes you feel less valued when you find out your significant other is doing it. I just (2 weeks ago) ended a 3.5 year relationship after finding out about sexting & instant messaging that lead to physical cheating..

Dave O. 46, OH, in a committed relationship for 3 months:  Yes. Unless it is with your significant other.

Sean W: Yes I do consider it cheating, but I am not interested in giving personal details about specific events. I have experience with it and ended a relationship because of it. It is a sign of non-commitment, continued exploration and it effectively hurts just as much as physical cheating. It may be subjective to the individual, but for me it’s cheating.

Karin S: Yes, I view it as cheating. Similar to having an emotional affair vs a physical affair. It is still being dishonest to the person you are supposedly “with”, unless of course, you have PREVIOUSLY discussed being poly-amorous and both people are aware and on-board.

Ivy C, 35, single, FL: Yes, I would consider it cheating. It’s disrespectful to your relationship and your partner and is probably a sign that you’re really unhappy or not completely satisfied with your current situation. And if that’s the case you should talk to your partner not some random person. I think if you’re texting anything with someone else that you wouldn’t want your partner to see (not that I think you have to show them) then you’re probably doing/saying something that you shouldn’t be.

Mike A, 38, TX, divorced a cheater in ’04, single: That’s still a sexual relationship of sorts. It violates your partner’s trust, and the relationship’s exclusivity… no doubt it’s cheating.

Kim S, 47, MI, singlish. Divorced one cheater in ’98, left another in 2008: I do consider sexting cheating. It’s emotional cheating, which is worse than physical cheating. I’ve been the victim of both; of online affairs, sexting “relationships”, and physical cheating. It all hurts, and betrays trust.

Sarah M, 55, Divorced, Cheated once: Sexting is definitely lusting after another person. If you’re in a committed/exclusive relationship it would cause a distraction in that relationship. I find it less of an offense than actually meeting a person, arranging a time and place to meet and physically getting together. I could certainly forgive sexting. It’s very base.

Charlie A: Yes. No different than an email affair. If your mind is there, then you have abused the trust given to you by your partner.

Carlos A, 47, Sacramento, CA, single: Sexting to me is cheating unless you’re in an open relationship. I’m not into those.

Shannon F, 35, San Diego, Married: I don’t consider it cheating per se…I believe that actual contact is cheating…however, it’s completely unacceptable behavior when you are in a monogamous relationship (unless your partner is okay with that sort of thing, of course).

Shannon F:  Kim, are you saying you think that sexting is the same as having an emotional affair? Kind of sounds like “physical” cheating from afar. I think of emotional cheating is having someone that you are sharing intimate (non-sexual) thoughts with. Of course, that usually comes with sexual stuff too…so the entire package is what I consider an emotional relationship.

Sarah M: It seems completely physical to me as well…and is it really physical because there’s no actual touching.

Chazz S, 50, Oregon, committed LDR, 4 months Yes, it’s a shared level of intimacy outside your supposedly intimate relationship. or so.

Kim S: I can only tell you my perspective, having lived through it in two separate relationships. I was married at the advent of online social interaction. It had a huge impact on my marriage. Yes it was flawed, and was doomed….not blaming it on the internet. I’m just stating that it was an incredibly easy way to have interaction of any sort with another woman. A marriage should fill all of those needs, and if it doesn’t, then there is a problem. What does my husband who is getting laid 2-3 times a day need with another woman? Female attention ego boosting, you name it, there are a million reasons. It’s very complicated, not just sexual. Again, just my view.

Sarah M: So cheating is physical right? In the traditional sense.

So, if you’re just looking at a picture of someone then… reading or watching porn is cheating.

Darrell G: no its not cheating but it does show very bad taste and a low level of commitment to the relationship you are in, if in any.

Allison T 42, Knoxville, TN, LDR, 1 year: It’s cheating. It’s inappropriate. It’s a deal breaker. Sooner or later it will lead to something more.

Jordan R, Divorced/single in San Diego: Sexting is cheating. It’s not as innocent as flirting…

Kim S: It includes that as well as sexual texts back and forth. Intimate details, conversations. My definition. Much more than just pictures.

Kim S: Sexting brought down the corrupt Mayor of Detroit.

Sarah M: Well, I was thinking things through. Cheating is physical. So how can sexting be physical? So, can sexting be anything more than looking at porn?

Sarah M : You can’t say it’s emotional.

Kim S: You keep saying sexting is physical. I disagree. Physical involves physical contact.

Kim Sloan: I can say whatever I want. This is how I feel after living through it.

Sarah M: I don’t keep saying it’s physical. Cheating the act of infidelity is physical. Looking at someone’s penis or vulva is not physical.

Sarah M: Cheating is physical. Sexting isn’t.

Sarah M: Then quit harping at me. I said it isn’t cheating the same way meeting a person and actually having sex with someone

Allison T: In the pre-cellphone days, just when AOL became popular my friends hubby had an online relationship. He lived in NY, the woman lived in Tx. He sent pics of his cock, a necklace, and very explicit emails about the things he wanted to do. They never met. Never hooked up. But a line was crossed. She forgave him and said it wasn’t cheating. Since then he’s put his cock in several other women. Michael Terry, what was the quote you used to use?

Jordan R: Cheating, to me, is emotional. Fix your relationship so you don’t need to sext, text or im sexually.

Dante H: Sexting is not physical in anyway…..and is cheating even if it is only talking and nothing more. Defined as this

Jen B  43, Seattle, divorced in 2010/recently single: I consider sexting and online relationships an affair. For me it actually is more of a betrayal than a one night stand physical encounter.

It is someone consciously connecting with someone else in a sexual way, over and over again. Sexuality is not just inverting a penis into a vagina. They are seeking it out, taking the time to build a relationship, and choosing to hurt you.

A one night stand is a momentary lack of judgement.

I’ve been on the receiving end of both. I was hurt by the emotional affairs way more than the physical only ones.

Dante H: Can understand and agree with you Jen to a point because no relationship can be built online only……people today think you can but the truth is you cannot……owe you may talk and get to know about each other to a point but you can never know anyone until you meet them in person. That doesn’t change th fact that it is wrong if you are in a relationship or that it doesn’t hurt because it does. It is just the beginning of the lying and betrayal.

Michael T If ya go to the barbershop long enough, sooner or later you are going to get a hair cut

Dante H: Yep sooner or later you will meet and then the real thing begins.

Sharon G:  Yes, it is cheating…period. It’s no different than if the person was standing right in front of you.

Christopher R: Cheating, plain n simple

Em C  34/FL, single, reformed cheater: I do consider sexting cheating. It may not be physical cheating but it definitely opens the door to that possibility. It’s possible to become emotionally involved too.

Stephanie L , 30, Chicago, IL, single: I would not call it cheating, but it’s still just as bad as cheating. Just because to me, cheating strictly means physically doing something.

Shawn J  27, FL, single: Yes, sexting is cheating.  Talking about sex with someone other than your partner is wrong no matter how you slice it. I’ve never cheated before and never would. I’ve been cheated on twice though.

Jeannie B:  If a guy does anything behind your back then it’s cheating .. so sexting, which would be talking dirty, sending dirty pics and telling someone they wanna have sex with them and I don’t know about it before that action has taken place then it is for sure cheating !

Ariel P:  Yes thinking or fantazing on someone to cheat with, leads to talking about cheating (sexting), leads to cheating. Its a downward spiral, best to just cut out any temptations that will steer you wrong.

Rose B: if you are in an exclusive relationship then yes it is a form of cheating

Diana A: So I had this bf who was also my gifter(a non discloser)…. we met this girl (age 17) at his house when some of his friends came over. The next day if not the same night she friend requested us on facebook. ok.. so next thing you know he starts “liking” all of her skimpy photos. Then a few days later he starts hiding his phone and making sure I dont see it. So one night after he fell asleep and i was tired of the secrecy I checked his phone. his facebook messages had all been deleted. well back then you had to delete them in the inbox and the send box. he obviously was unaware of this and the send box was still full. they were sexting w pics and had planned to meet. i woke his ass up and told him to get out.

Jeannie B: Fantasizing is not a form of cheating .. actually ppl should be allowed to fantasize in a relationship it is actually very healthy !

Diana A: fantasizing is different than carrying out the act. i think sexting someone who they have access to could lead to infidelity. and pretty quickly. Now if they were 5000 miles away maybe that would be different… until they started making “business” trips out of town. LOL

Jeannie B: I know they are different .. someone mentioned fantasizing leads to cheating and sexting ..

Diana A: i dont think i read everything LOL i dont think fantasizing leads to that. i fantasize mark wahlberg in a sexy love scene leading to him going down on me… doesnt mean it will lead to him doing that…(though i really want him to) HAHAHA

Andrea H: Fantasizing is absolutely not cheating, everyone does and its completely normal. “Sexting” however I consider is, even before it gets to any further step, sexting is the first step towards physically cheating, just like emotionally. Deal breaker, no qu…See More

Sid S: sexting is cheating cause you know the person whom you are sharing the sexting with especially if your partner is unaware of what is going on (that is afterall the premise of cheating).

Carol B:  I’m 50 and n a new, long distance relationship for 3 months…sexting is a big part of our relationship at this time. Here’s my thought. Any time u share any part of urself in a sexual natutre be it, physical, emotional, and even by sexting out side of ur relationship, its inappropriate, selfish and its cheating. U are carrying on a secret, sexual affair. Plain and simple…

Ariel P: I think there is a difference though between thinking someone is hot, and then fantazing about having sex with someone else while you’re in a relationship. I’m not saying its cheating, but I am saying that the first step is fantazing about them, and th…See More

Jeannie B:  See this is where I believe in being open in a relationship about that type of stuff ^ ^ … I encourage my bf to tell me his fantasies, to tell me if he thinks that girl walking down the street is fuckable, and he also tells me if he thinks my friends…See More

Jeannie B:  Ooh and I think a lot of ppl including women fantasize about have sex with someone while having sex with their S.O too !

Connie C, 50, Cleveland, Ohio, single: I would consider it cheating if I were having sexual conversations with another man using any form of communication, while in relationship.

Isabelle V: I don’t think sexting is cheating. It IS, however horribly inappropriate and a violation of trust.

Kara H, Durham, NC, married for five years: Absolutely, it’s cheating. If you wouldn’t show your spouse the text, you know it’s wrong. If you have unmet needs, you need to communicate them and devise a plan to have them met. If you can’t communicate or devise a plan, seek professional help.

Zach D, Wilmington, NC, 35, married 9 years:  I would consider sexting cheating. There may not be any physicality to it, but it’s still sharing something intimate with someone you’re not supposed to be intimate with. Marriages have been in a lot of trouble, or worse, ruined, over less.

Chad G: I’m gonna second that, Zach. But it’s about how the relationship is defined, too. There are some freaky couples out there. Carlos Danger’s wife seems to deal with it ok.

Zach D: Agreed, Chad. There are a lot of things that are fine for some couples, and not for others. Some don’t care if their spouse looks at other people, some get angry at that. Some people are swingers, some people aren’t. I’m speaking from the perspective of a traditional, monogamous relationship.

David C: I’m not sure if it’s cheating, but I’m pretty sure it’s pathetic.

Erin D: I wouldn’t be happy if Steve was sexting and/or sending/receiving dirty pics. I don’t think I’d dump him but I’d say we’d have a lot to discuss. On that note, I would not sext with someone else. If your relationship gets to that point, you probably need to think about splitting up. Or if y’all share the pics you receive, that’s ok, too… It’s the secret nature that makes it bad in my opinion.

David C: I’ve been doing this internet thing for a long time, since the 800 baud rubber cup modem days in the 80s, when BBS’s were what it was about (yes I’m old get off my lawn). It’s always been the same. If you need “intimacy” by chatting/cybersexing/sexting/whatever, then you are not satisfied with your relationship. Better to figure that out and do something about it instead of being a coward and just having a sneaky almost-something that’s really all just in your head. Plus it’s narcissistic times ten.

Jason B, 41, Durham, NC: Technology is orthogonal to the question. If you can’t have the same conversation with that person in front of your significant other, you are in a dishonest place, you are cheating.